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SCENE 1
READTHROUGH AT THE OPENING OF A NEW SEASON AT SMOCK ALLEY. CAST AND PROMPTER ARE GATHERED ON THE STAGE
SHERIDAN
Ladies and gentlemen players of Smock Alley… Pray silence for a moment. We are proud and privileged to welcome Miss Peg Woffington and Mr West Digges to our theatre for this season. It is our fervent belief that their presence in our company will not only enhance the prestige of Smock Alley, but also swell its coffers.
POLITE CHEERS OF APPROVAL FROM THE ACTORS
WOFFINGTON
Thank you, Mr Sheridan, for your cordial welcome. A blessing it is indeed to find oneself among a company of such eminence. And dare we hope that so prodigious a turn-out from the members of the gentry for this first rehearsal augurs well for our new season?
RAUCOUS CHEERS FROM AROUND THE STAGE
DIGGES
Pray that we can also depend upon your attendance at night when the viewing is chargeable!
SHERIDAN
Before we commence, may I respectfully request that the gentlemen of leisure attending rehearsals allow space upon the stage for those persons who are actively involved in the production.
SHOUTS AND CATCALLS FROM THE GENTRY
WOFFINGTON
May I also respectfully request, on behalf of the ladies of the company, that they keep their hands to themselves.
COMPANY
Hear! Hear!
FURNIVAL
Lest any of you have forgotten the so-called gentleman who, last season, took the liberty of pressing his lips to the neck of our leading lady as she passed him on the stage, let me remind you of the slap he received in the face – which, rumour has it, still smarts to this day. As does the applause from the audience that followed her action, and forced him into a public apology.
WOFFINGTON
We ladies wish it to be known that we intend to enshrine this practice and employ it in response to all such disrespectful approaches.
SHOUTS FROM THE GENTRY OF ‘YOU’LL BE LUCKY!’ ‘GIVE US A KISS, PEGGY!’ ETC ETC
KELLY
Huzzah! There’s nothing so good as a mare with a bit of spirit, what? Makes for a much more exciting ride, wouldn’t you sa
Quite right! Spoke like a thoroughbred!
SHERIDAN
And now, I place you in the capable hands of our prompter, Mr Harrington, who will conduct the rehearsal.
DIGGES AND SHERIDAN MOVE AWAY TO THE WINGS
SCENE 2THE WINGS
DIGGES
So, Tom, I see your efforts to tame the mob are bearing fruit already.
SHERIDAN
Oh, there is much to be done yet, West. I have long held this fetish that a theatre might one day become a place where the events upon the stage will be the primary diversion.
SHERIDAN
The very idea!
SHERIDAN
Laughable, I know.
SHERIDAN
I had sooner take on a lion in the amphitheatre than tackle the wild beasts of the upper gallery.
SHERIDAN
Imagine this… An auditorium hums with respectful anticipation; the patrons quietly make their way to their seats. The lights in the house are magically extinguished, the voices hush to a whisper…
SHERIDAN
A whisper?
SHERIDAN
A whisper which, as the room descends into blackness, fades into silence.
SHERIDAN
To silence?
SHERIDAN
Sweet silence… All eyes are trained towards the stage. The curtain rises and the set is revealed, empty save for the players.
SHERIDAN
Egad.
SHERIDAN
Not a rake nor blade in sight.
SHERIDAN
Ambitious, to be sure.
SHERIDAN
Why, indeed, should a theatre not be a place to see and hear a play?
SHERIDAN
Your plan would have a better chance in a trappist monastery than in a theatre.
SHERIDAN
Something must be done, West. The galleries in London seem like chapels of rest beside the mayhem here in Dublin. Between the acts the unruly mob assail the orchestra with rotten apples, half-eaten gingerbread and even glass bottles, which often fall upon the heads of the persons in the pit.
SHERIDAN
Many a wig bespoiled, I’ll wager.
SHERIDAN
Many an eye lost too…
SHERIDAN
And those eyes in the pit are all too often the only ones looking towards the stage…
SHERIDAN
Ah, those in the pit who come just to watch the plays. What a place the theatre would be if all the audiences were like them. None of the incessant babbling and blushing of dandies and peahens in the boxes, who come only to view one another. None of the university men bursting into the pit to avenge some insult to one of their number, beating anyone and breaking anything that comes within their reach. None of the licentious barking of drunken apprentices and journeymen. None of the blasphemy and loud immodesty of the cider women and fruit wenches; the frenzied crush in the lobbies; the herd of coachmen, livery-servants, bill hawkers, footpads, cutpurses, quickfingers, filches and beggars who surround the doors…
SHERIDAN
It sounds simple enough. Where do you propose to begin?
SHERIDAN
By debarring the public from the stage and the Green Room except by invitation, and by raising the prices in the gallery again and again until order is restored.
SHERIDAN
The best of Irish luck to you, Thomas.
SHERIDAN
To us all.BAWDY DRINKING SONG.
SCENE 3
DRESSING ROOM.
OUTSIDE IN THE CORRIDOR, AT SOME DISTANCE AWAY, THERE IS A CONTINUOUS COMMOTION
FURNIVAL
What do you call these articles?
YOUNG
Shoes, Mrs Furnival.
FURNIVAL
Shoes. And whose shoes are they, pray tell me?
YOUNG
Your shoes, ma’am. Your new shoes.
FURNIVAL
Made for a child. I am no longer a child, and I require shoes made to fit my adult feet.
YOUNG
Yes, Mrs Furnival.
FURNIVAL
Well? What do you propose to do about it? If we were performing The Orphan of China one would expect to traverse the stage with bound feet, but we are not. We are enacting the tribulations of Moses, and one means to cross the Red Sea with a degree of dignity. Even if one does have to compete for space with Mr Sheridan’s ridiculous tin nose.
YOUNG
Ma’am, there is a shoe stretcher in Temple Bar that I have had dealings with. He is an artist. He is the best in Europe. But he will touch only the shoes of very great performers…
FURNIVAL
Good. He will deal with mine, then, will he not? (A pregnant pause) I repeat, he will deal with mine, then, will he not?
YOUNG
I can but ask, Mrs Furnival.
FURNIVAL
Are you trying to insult me, woman? Of course you will ask, and of course he will accept my doll’s shoes. Take them forthwith, and bring them back to me, stretched - artistically.
YOUNG
Very well, ma’am.
FURNIVAL EXITS AS WOFFINGTON ENTERS WITH SHERIDAN. AS THE DOOR OPENS, THE SHOUTING IN THE CORRIDOR CAN BE HEARD CLEARLY
WOFFINGTON
Ah, Polly, would you have time to go over some lines with me?
YOUNG
Of course, Peg. I’ll be with you in a moment.
WOFFINGTON
I see you’re carrying Furnival’s shoes. What does she want this time?
YOUNG
New ones, I suspect. More new shoes. I don’t wish to put Thomas to yet more expense, so I have told her of a shoe stretcher who deals only with great performers. I mean to put them to one side, and return them untouched. We shall see whether flattery will make them fit or not.
SHOUTING AND HYSTERICAL SCREAMING OUTSIDE.
FX: SOUND OF DOOR OPENING
SHERIDAN
Pray, forgive me, ladies. We have need of your room for a brief while. Lay him down in here. Doctor, you may attend to him in here.
SOUNDS OF A BODY BEING HEAVED, ACCOMPANIED BY AGONISED GROANING
WOFFINGTON
(SOTTO) Oh, sweet saints. What has happened?
SHERIDAN
The rakes have stormed the stage door, and one of them has stabbed poor Eammon here with his sword. The blade has snapped and is lodged in his thigh.
WOFFINGTON
Do we know who did this?
SHERIDAN
One of the usual drunken pack of so-called gentlemen. They took off swiftly enough, but I fear we shall see them again in the pit. They have taken very ill their banishment from behind the scenes, and they don’t like to be given orders by the likes of us. We must send for the militia. I fear this bodes very ill for tonight’s performance…
BUSTLE AND NOISE OF THE AUDIENCE. FANFARE, FOLLOWED BY SLIGHT HUSH
SHERIDAN
Could poets once foretell the life of plays,
And but divine what you’d condemn or praise,
They’d writ their epilogues accordingly;
But no one knows the fate of poetry.
WOFFINGTON
Ladies will smile if scenes are modest writ,
Whilst your double entendres please the pit.
SHERIDAN
There’s not a vizzard sweating in the gallery,
But likes a smart intreague, a rake and raillery.
FURNIVAL
And were we to consult our friends above, A pert and witty footman ’tis they love.
SCENE 4
BOX
LADY HEREFORD
Ah, Antoinette, there you are. I couldn’t be more vexed. I sent my footman down at three o’clock to keep this box for us, and it seems that a gang of Henrietta’s men forced their way in and attempted to take it by force.
LADY RYE
My gracious! Things have come to a pretty pass when our place in the box is dependent on the brawling of our servants.
LADY HEREFORD
If it weren’t for a helping hand he got from the Dorsets’ men in the next box, we would have been up in the gallery tonight.
LADY RYE
The very notion…
LADY HEREFORD
I really don’t know what the world is coming to. And what about Sheridan’s latest trick, keeping us all away from rehearsals?
LADY RYE
It’s an outrage. How is one know if a play is any good without actually going to see it? Not that one minds much, of course, but a little diversion is nice now and again when one tires of the antics in the other boxes.
LADY HEREFORD
One could send along a governess or one’s doctor to view the play on the first night, I suppose. Then, if it turns out to be worth a look, we could go ourselves on the second night.
LADY RYE
(AGHAST) Second night? Caroline, have you lost your reason?
LADY HEREFORD
Oh, now, something is happening down there on the stage. Poor Sheridan is having to compete for attention with a young man trying to climb over the spikes from the pit.
LADY RYE
Oh yes… I like this very much. See how Sheridan feigns indifference. Behold his noble brow furrowed in courtly detachment.
LADY HEREFORD
Excellent. A small bet is called for, don’t you think? Twenty shillings to me if our young soldier reaches the stage - ungorged.
LADY RYE
And twenty to me if he falls down into the orchestra!
SHRIEKS OF LAUGHTER FROM BOTH
LADY HEREFORD
Nothing could amuse me so much as that grand fellow from goodness knows where, who tried to make his mark upon Dublin last season. Do you remember him?
LADY RYE
Oh, by heavens, how could one forget?
LADY HEREFORD
He did cut quite a dash, I must admit. Perched on the edge of his box, with his back to the stage.
LADY RYE
Legs outstretched and crossed at the ankle, sword beside him, lounging against the side of the box–
LADY HEREFORD
Amply displaying his six-feet-long person to the whole house.
LADY RYE
Oh, such richly embroidered silken clothes, hair so tastefully dressed, such perfect ringlets playing about his ears…
LADY HEREFORD
Such a proud display, such a smile of complacent nonchalance… before he suddenly overbalanced and tumbled into the pit!
MORE SHRIEKS AND GUFFAWS
LADY RYE
Oh, look, the soldier’s over! Twenty shillings to you.
ROAR FROM THE AUDIENCE
lf, don’t you think?
FX: DISTANT BREAKING GLASS AND SNAPPING OF STRINGS.
LADY RYE
What was that?
LADY HEREFORD
Oh, probably the footmen in the gallery. They use the orchestra as target practice, you know.
LADY RYE
Poor dears, it’s a long evening for them.
LADY HEREFORD
Oh, look, there’s your husband, little Lord Rye.
LADY RYE
Heavens, so it is. I haven’t seen him for weeks. Doesn’t he look well?
LADY HEREFORD
He’s bought a new wig, that’s all.
LADY RYE
No, Caroline, something else is making him look so sprightly.
LADY HEREFORD
Or someone else.
LADY RYE
Quite. Do you know, when I see him like that I could almost take a fancy to him myself.
LADY HEREFORD
Oh, really, Antoinette, that’s too distasteful. Not your own husband.
